Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize
