u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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