i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
