apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
Randomize
