Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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