hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
