I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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