put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
