I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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