you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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