When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
