remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
