You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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