I accidentally had phone sex last night
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
