Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
