I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
