I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
