and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i barfeds in our rink
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Randomize
