Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
