I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
