I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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