I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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