I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
