i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Randomize
