well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
