I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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