I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I just found puke in my bra..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Randomize
