Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
