if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize