I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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