was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
