lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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