Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
