I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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