i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Randomize