im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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