I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
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