If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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