in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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