I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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