Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
