my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
