Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Randomize
