Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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