You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I need help removing her.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Randomize
