I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
