Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
