well I can't set my house on fire every night
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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