i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
