i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Let's paint friendship bongs
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize