Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Randomize
