hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
the raccoons are back...
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