sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
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