I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
