there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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