So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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