Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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