If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Be still, my beating vagina.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
