You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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