You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
