he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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