theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
