Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
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