Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Randomize
