Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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