you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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